In Memory of Susan Denise Atkins-Whitehouse
A Different Eye
In her works,
Susan wrote about her days in San Francisco.
Sometimes, Susan can offer different perspectives
of the life she chronicles,
depending on where in her life Susan is writing from.
As Susan's writings come from different periods in her life,
Susan may see experiences in her history
through a different eye then
when she wrote about experiences before.
Or,
Susan may expound on experiences
in ways she hadn't before.
These are up to Susan's readers...
"...For three weeks I was constantly loaded on
hashish, marijuana, or acid.
I was fulfilled for the first time in my craving for dope.
There seemed to be an endless supply.
One of my favorite pastimes was sitting, stoned,
on the front balcony and listening to Janis Joplin
playing, singing, and boozing.
Other times I would just sit watching the trees and the birds
and then the steadily increasing number of young people
finding their way to Haight-Ashbury.
There even came the time when we picked up word that
the FBI was watching the house.
Not only were we heavy into drugs,
but we also were militantly active in the peace movement
sweeping across the youth of the land..."
hashish, marijuana, or acid.
I was fulfilled for the first time in my craving for dope.
There seemed to be an endless supply.
One of my favorite pastimes was sitting, stoned,
on the front balcony and listening to Janis Joplin
playing, singing, and boozing.
Other times I would just sit watching the trees and the birds
and then the steadily increasing number of young people
finding their way to Haight-Ashbury.
There even came the time when we picked up word that
the FBI was watching the house.
Not only were we heavy into drugs,
but we also were militantly active in the peace movement
sweeping across the youth of the land..."
"...But there was one sunny afternoon when I, again,
was stoned on hash and my serenity failed to hold steady.
I had many moments like that, but that afternoon
was especially difficult.
Despite the excitement around me,
the apparent love, the sex, the drugs-
despite my 'family',
I was lonely.
The afternoon was warm,
but the old familiar chill of loneliness moved up and down my body.
It was far deeper than tears-
a fullness in the throat and the chest.
was stoned on hash and my serenity failed to hold steady.
I had many moments like that, but that afternoon
was especially difficult.
Despite the excitement around me,
the apparent love, the sex, the drugs-
despite my 'family',
I was lonely.
The afternoon was warm,
but the old familiar chill of loneliness moved up and down my body.
It was far deeper than tears-
a fullness in the throat and the chest.
'I'm still an outsider.'
The thought rushed across my mind over and over.
'Bob likes me for sex,
and the others put up with me because of him.
But they don't like me. I'm too weird.
I'm not like them.
Barbara and Ella accept me.
But that's all.'
I listened to the street sounds
for several seconds.
'What's wrong with me?
Won't I ever belong?
First my own family;
then Al, and all the others;
and now here.
Can't I find a place anywhere?'
The thought rushed across my mind over and over.
'Bob likes me for sex,
and the others put up with me because of him.
But they don't like me. I'm too weird.
I'm not like them.
Barbara and Ella accept me.
But that's all.'
I listened to the street sounds
for several seconds.
'What's wrong with me?
Won't I ever belong?
First my own family;
then Al, and all the others;
and now here.
Can't I find a place anywhere?'
