In Memory of Susan Denise Atkins-Whitehouse
Explain What You Said
During Susan's 1993 parole hearing,
Susan was asked by the presiding Board of Prison Terms commissioner
to explain what she had said some twenty plus years earlier,
and why she said it.
The commissioner has in front of him
his reference material as he questions Susan.
Susan looks straight at the commissioner
as she responds candidly to questions,
without the use of reference materials.
Susan's attorney is seated next to her.
Susan does have material
in front of her on the table,
but she never looks at it as she answers
the commissioner's questions.
Susan doesn't need to.
The commissioners questioning Susan
have their hands buried within the pages of their reference material.
It becomes annoying to hear them and watch them
playing with their paper,
as these actions are interfering with the continuity of the hearing,
and is distracting for those, namely us, trying to follow.
It's almost as if it were being done deliberately.
Susan: "...Again, I'm asking you to understand that when I made that
statement almost 23 years ago, 22, 23 years ago,
I was still under the influence of the drugs, even though I had been
on drugs at the time I made that statement (indiscernible)
If you understand anything about drug abuse and the psychology of drug abuse,
that it stays with you for a long time. Um, again, I was still very angry,
I was still very much devoted to Manson and the family, um,
as I understood them to be at that point in time,
and I wanted to be a viable member..."
as Susan moved on...
statement almost 23 years ago, 22, 23 years ago,
I was still under the influence of the drugs, even though I had been
on drugs at the time I made that statement (indiscernible)
If you understand anything about drug abuse and the psychology of drug abuse,
that it stays with you for a long time. Um, again, I was still very angry,
I was still very much devoted to Manson and the family, um,
as I understood them to be at that point in time,
and I wanted to be a viable member..."
as Susan moved on...
"...I was taken from Inyo County Jail to Los Angeles County Jail,
I would sit in a county jail cell,
and I knew what had transpired and
I had guilt over what had transpired but I had buried that
so deep 'cause I just didn't want to face it,
I didn't want to admit it,
I didn't want to face it, I didn't want to deal with it.
And I used to hear Charlie in my head
over and over and over again tell me things like when you're in jail,
and people pick on you,
you be big, you be bad, and you be mean,
so much so, that everybody will just leave you alone.
I was very frightened, I had nobody,
no support mechanism around me and I remembered that
when people would question me as to why I was in jail
all I knew is that I had to somehow convince people
that I was big, I was bad, I was mean,
leave me alone and stay away from me in order to survive,
'cause I thought I was going to die in prison,
I thought I was going to die in jail.
I didn't know any other means of surviving,
so I said things to people in jail as a defense mechanism,
and I said I did things that I in fact
did not do,
because that's how I was taught to behave when you're in jail.
That's why I said what I said..."
I would sit in a county jail cell,
and I knew what had transpired and
I had guilt over what had transpired but I had buried that
so deep 'cause I just didn't want to face it,
I didn't want to admit it,
I didn't want to face it, I didn't want to deal with it.
And I used to hear Charlie in my head
over and over and over again tell me things like when you're in jail,
and people pick on you,
you be big, you be bad, and you be mean,
so much so, that everybody will just leave you alone.
I was very frightened, I had nobody,
no support mechanism around me and I remembered that
when people would question me as to why I was in jail
all I knew is that I had to somehow convince people
that I was big, I was bad, I was mean,
leave me alone and stay away from me in order to survive,
'cause I thought I was going to die in prison,
I thought I was going to die in jail.
I didn't know any other means of surviving,
so I said things to people in jail as a defense mechanism,
and I said I did things that I in fact
did not do,
because that's how I was taught to behave when you're in jail.
That's why I said what I said..."
Susan was very frightened.
She was alone.
We cannot fathom what that was like for Susan.
There is no one that can,
except Susan.
Susan thought she was going to die in prison.
Susan thought she was going to die in jail.
It's a horrible frame of mind and heart for anyone.
We are with Susan.
But that's all we can do,
is be with her.
We know Susan was tough.
We know Susan was strong.
But at that time,
at the end of the day,
Susan was still just a 21 year old girl ~
home
She was alone.
We cannot fathom what that was like for Susan.
There is no one that can,
except Susan.
Susan thought she was going to die in prison.
Susan thought she was going to die in jail.
It's a horrible frame of mind and heart for anyone.
We are with Susan.
But that's all we can do,
is be with her.
We know Susan was tough.
We know Susan was strong.
But at that time,
at the end of the day,
Susan was still just a 21 year old girl ~
home
